Raven The SheMan
by totallyrae
Summary: Beast Boy blogs about his doubts on Raven's gender. A ridiculous one-shot written on a stream of consciousness. No pairings.


I am _not_ blogging. Yeah, sure, this is Blogger or whatever the hell it's called, but nope, I am definitely not blogging. I'm just… typing random things and um, publishing them online because, well, it's free. I mean, come on, aren't blogs what they call "online diaries"? Manly guys like me don't do diaries. Only girly… girls like Starfire do girly things like blogs and diaries and necklaces and pink clothes and Barbie dolls, but I most certainly don't. I'm a dude, for goodness sake. A really manly dude. So I don't blog, I don't write diaries, I don't play with dolls etc etc.

Actually I do have a teddy bear, but it's a MANLY teddy bear. It's got this pair of really badass black pants and this really badass black (bow)tie and this really badass expression because its mouth is represented by a straight line so it's not smiling making it look vaguely like Robin.

I'm not trying to say Robin is badass – c'mon, I'm the King of Badass around here – but yeah, when he trains or when he's thinking about something his face goes all serious and his fangirls start screeching how hot he is because he's got such a cool serious look.

Hey, how unfair is that? When I read our fanpage Robin usually gets all the '_Oh my god he's so hot when he fights_' or the _'the way he walks is so freaking cool' _or _'I want to marry Robin Right Now'_ comments while I get all the _'BB is so cute and squishy'_ or _'I want a BB soft toy' _crap.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Squishy? Are you fucking serious? I'm badass! I'm a BADASS FIGHTER WHO KICKS ASS! I'm not cute. Cute means ugly and adorable. So I'm ugly? And adorable. What the hell is up with that word? They make me feel like a… like a… mushroom.

There, I said it. A mushroom. Like those crazy ones jumping around stupidly in Maple Story.

Anyway, back to the teddy bear. Like I said, its outfit is really cool. It's black. Black is such a guy colour. That's why my outfit is 70% black. Because I'm manly, and black displays my true manliness. (The other 30% is purple, which Cy tells me is the universal gay colour. Here's two words of advice for you, robot friend: Fuck. You.)

About black. Who can disagree that it's a really manly colour? No one. So there's a question that I've had on my manly mind for the longest time.

_Why does Raven like black so much then?_

Ah ha, gotcha! Isn't that a really SMART question? Reader, you never thought BB would be so clever, did you?

Hold on. Scratch that. My intelligence has never been in question.

No, I mean, seriously. Maybe Raven's a guy? I dunno, she's pretty flat, and she doesn't play dress up like Starfire. She does demon things like meditate and read books.

Maybe there's only one type of sex for demons? So Raven could be a - *gasp* - guygirl hybrid? So do I call Raven 'him' or 'her'?

This is really bothering me. I'm going to ask Cy.

_[Entry posted at 11.39pm, Saturday]_

* * *

><p>Okay, I'm back. I didn't manage to gather much info on Raven's sex, because everyone was too stupid to empathise with me.<p>

The bitches.

Here's how my investigation went.

**Characters**: Irresistibly handsome and bad ass sex god (NO IT'S NOT ROBIN DAMN YOU IT'S ME, ME!), Robin the forever-serious-dude-who-looks-badass-I-admit-but-he-will-never-be-more-badass-than-me, Cyborg the piss-off, Starfire the bimbo, Raven the she-man

Me: "Guys, we have an issue."

Robin: *sighs in his badass way which may seem cool but ISN'T COOL* "What now?"

Raven: "…"

Starfire: "Friend? What is the issue here?"

Cyborg: *idly draws potatoes growing out of each other until it looks like some mutant human-eating potato monster*

Me: "Is Raven a guy or a girl?"

Cyborg: "Go back to Stupidland where you came from, you dickhead."

Me: "NO ONE CALLS ME A DICKHEAD –"

Starfire: "I should believe that Raven is a female, dear friend Beast Boy, for she has the natural female characteristic you humans call curves."

Silence.

Robin: *coughs in his cool-but-actually-not-very-cool way* "Star, let's not go there."

Starfire: "There? Where?"

Raven: "…"

Me: *gets distracted by Cyborg's psychedelic drawing* "What's that ugly shit you are drawing?"

Cyborg: *clearly ignores me*

Me: "Don't ignore me, you ugly piece of metal shit!"

Cyborg: *Holds up work proudly* "It's called The Binary Fission of The Potatoes."

Me: "The fuck…?"

Robin: "I don't think that's how potatoes reproduce."

Cyborg: "So what? You are some kind of potato expert now?"

Robin: "…"

Me: "Um, excuse me, is anyone going to answer my question?"

Robin: "What question?"

Me: "Forget it."

And that's how my investigation went. It basically went like shit.

You know, this always happens to me. They seem to have a habit of ignoring me unless they feel like they really need to listen to me, which is usually around never.

Anyway, I'm not going to give up on this topic. It, uh – how do you say it? – ah, I know, it BOGGLES my mind.

Sigh, we are such stereotypes. Just because Raven has (a little bit) of curves and she doesn't wear pants everyone thinks she's a girl. How are we supposed to know for sure?

Look, Trigon doesn't wear pants too. Does that make him a girl?

I'm good, aren't I.

(And it's not like guys don't have curves. I actually think Robin is pretty curvy. If anyone rats on me about this I will hunt you down and strangle you until you wish it was Raven getting mad at you instead.)

Back to Trigon and Raven. I'm pretty sure about my demon theory. I think only one gender exists in the demon race, and it's some sort of creepy fusion of male and female. I mean, come on, Trigon has LONG hair. And it's not that type of movie-star-shoulder-length-cool hair but some sort of girly reach-to-the-breast kind of long. That's pretty gross. And if he is Raven's father, well, that means he's supposedly guy. And since I have smartly concluded that there is only type of gender in the demon race, Raven should be a guy too.

Hold on. Raven has pretty short hair right? You see! HE/SHE BOGGLES MY MIND!

And has anyone noticed how low her voice is? It's some sort of raspy, husky, I'm-a-demon-beware kind of voice. When I say husky I don't mean the sexy kind of Megan Fox husky.

(Is Megan Fox's voice husky?)

Anyway, all females should have high pitched voices. Raven doesn't have that. Hell, my voice is of a higher pitch than hers.

Okay, I didn't just admit to that. Note to manly self: Never admit you are girlier than a she-man.

_[Entry posted at 12.04am, Sunday]_

* * *

><p>OMG OMG BIG NEWS.<p>

I have just received new proof that Raven is not a girl.

So today I was walking into the kitchen and minding my own business (minding my own business as in grabbing some tofu and stuffing myself because I love tofu and it makes me happy in my own happy little way) and he/she was sitting right there drinking her transparent looking thing that probably isn't tea even though he/she says it is.

How can that be tea if there's NO SMELL?

Okay, I've never actually drunk tea before in my life before, but I kinda know that it should at least, you know, smell tea-ish right?

I mean, tea and coffee – they're the same thing. Mr. Man-Who-Started-English just decided to make everyone's life harder by creating two words which actually mean the exact same thing. Coffee just sounds more funky, that's all.

Honestly, stare the word 'coffee' long enough and it will start looking really un-English to you.

So since I know how coffee smells, I definitely know how tea smells.

Anyway, he/she was digging her nose into some demonic book called _The Great Expectations_ which I happen to know is about human-eating demons and stuff, so being the smart person I am I didn't want to bother him/her.

And then, a really smart question came to me.

If I could just throw him/her this question, I would be able to figure out his/her gender without making his/her in the least bit suspicious.

Taking a deep breath, I asked, "Raven?"

He/she totally ignored me. Oh no, he/she isn't going to make me give up on my find-Raven's-true-gender conquest.

"Raven. Raven. Rae. Rae. Rae. Raven Roth. Raven Roth. Rav – "

"What?" He/she asked through gritted teeth.

"May I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"Do you own a dress?"

"No. Now go away and leave me alone."

I literally stumbled out of there. Can you believe it? Raven DOESN'T OWN A DRESS! That's equivalent to him/her having 'I'M A TOTAL GUY' written across his/her leotard.

This is troubling.

_[Entry posted at 9.03am, Sunday]_

Um, I am totally, utterly confused.

I'm not the type who gets confused easily, mind you. But this really makes me wonder.

So this is what happened. Today we had to go and fight the jackass Control Freak, because he's a jackass that decided to go invade some big gaming fair thing.

We were fighting him (as usual I was leading the fight and I was totally owning, but I had to protect my amateur team mates at the same time so I couldn't finish him off like I wanted to) and Raven decided to grab this remote like thingy we found with his/her black powers (EVEN HER POWERS ARE BLACK OMG) and throw it at his head.

But he ran away on one of his machines so it only nicked him across the side of his head.

So I was teasing him/her, like, "Geez, Raven, you hit like a girl."

And he/she was giving me this are-you-stupid-or-are-you-stupid look and he/she was like, "I _am _a girl."

No. Way.

He/she's actually _denying_ it?

Simply incredible.

Now I have found out his/her deepest, DARKEST secrets. There can only be one. One horrifying truth that little kids should never know.

Raven is a guy who likes guys.

I am shuddering in fear now. I must take care of myself before I get violated. My dear readers, this shall be my last post. I will now spend my life protecting myself from his/her advances.

Adios.

_[Entry posted at 7.34pm, Sunday]_


End file.
